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I don’t know why I get snickers and eye rolls when I do my laundry. I mean, it’s not my fault that I have near a year’s worth of underwear, socks, shorts, and shirts. I don’t see why I have to be penalized for having a Bi-Annual Laundry Day event. Although I do have to admit that having to spend a whole day doing laundry in multi-part loads and then folding it all and putting it all away is a huge pain. Which reminds me, I need a woman.


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With the kids aping the 80’s these days (wristbands, horrid color coordination, hair covering one eye to destroy depth perception, etc.) it’s only a matter of time before the next generation bring the 90’s back and suddenly my wardrobe will be cool again. I can’t wait! Baggy jeans, flannel shirts, Vans shoes, DAY GLO NEON EVERYWHERE! Just … don’t make me wear my pants backwards again. I can’t deal with that this time around.


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Bill Murray is the best: “If I’m ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in and see if that works.”


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With all the moisture and heat and my hearing aids, I’ve had a build-up of wax in my ear that was difficult to remove. So I went in to the clinic and had them remove it and afterwards the elderly doc asked me, “Have you learned your lesson?” I was confused and was like, “Uhhh, don’t wear hearing aids?” He shook his head and smirking, said, “No, don’t go storing peanut butter in your ear!”

Oh, come on! What am I, five years old?