I May Sound Smart, But I’m Not

After receiving comments from someone, I decided to do some internal reflection. For one thing, I don’t push myself enough, I know that. I don’t strive for the things I want when it matters the most, instead taking a backseat approach and wait for things to happen naturally. Of course, common sense dictates that things don’t always happen naturally – things that happens are a direct relationship to actions and reactions. Situations are created based on how much energy you put into it, and I seriously need to put one foot in front of the other, instead of having both of them planted right next to each other.

Look, I may sound like I know it all, or I have all the answers, but the truth is I rarely ever do. If I do have the answers, it’s only because I got them through experience and hard luck. Since I’m 25, the amount of experience I have is not very much. In many respects, I do try to gain experience. Everything I know about computer fixing, web design, hardware, and writing are all self-taught. I didn’t do well with the education I was given as a kid and teen. I didn’t take advantage of it, and I wish I did. It’s too late now, but at least I have the internet, which I feel is an invaluable learning tool. I also teach myself through trial and error. I learned (X)HTML by trying a tag, uploading it, and loading up my browser to see what it did. I did that, thousands of time, until I finally figured it all out.

My complaint is this: no matter how hard I try, it is never good enough. That seems to be the curse to this whole self-advancement thing I’m reflecting about.

Perhaps I lead a sheltered life right now, and being out in the middle of nowhere leaves me no choice but to try to amuse myself and get by each month. However, there was a time that I didn’t lead a sheltered life. I lived a life that co-existed next to a father who was unstable when he was trying to get his business off the ground. Coming home from school everyday was a punishment to me. I also lived a life on the streets, sleeping on sewer vents to keep warm, trying to figure out everyday how I was going to eat and survive, and keep drug addicts and mentally disturbed people from killing me. I was stabbed in the knee over $1.50 by someone I once considered a friend. So while I lead a quiet life now, it’s both something I’m grateful for, and something I hate. Spoiled? Maybe, but maybe I’ve earned it as a break.

Sorry if I sound angry, but I’m not; I’m just confused.

5 Responses to “I May Sound Smart, But I’m Not”

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  1. A person can only be true to him or herself. You can’t please everyone and I have to say that any discussions I have ever had with you Matt have been refreshing, interesting and very well balanced and never have we ever resorted to anger or flame.

    You have maybe two faults and they are both sometimes positive attributes when needed.

    1. You have a tendency to beat yourself up over stuff sometimes.
    2. You think too much sometimes man. That one can be a real curse at.

    Don’t let ’em get to you and just keep doing what you do because you have a whole group of people who think….in fact know that you are sussed and cool.

    Now if that doesn’t make you feel better I give up. :-)

  2. I wrote that last night after being under the influence of alcohol, so I may have gone a bit far. However, I didn’t delete it because it’s pretty much the deeper part of me letting some steam out.

    However, I do have a tendency to overanalyze things, and when you come right down to it, I don’t have any complaints about my life right now. I wouldn’t go back and change anything, I happen to be proud of who I am and what I’ve become. Sure, I have a long way to go, but I made it this far, and I’m no serial killer or anything. lol

  3. I kinda guessed there wa a wee bit of self analysis going on.

    Stay Frosty man. :-)

  4. Brian3DGPU

    In all of the years I’ve known you Matt, you have one major fault. You are way too hard on yourself. I know you are a perfectionist, but you really need to step back and see where you have been, where you are, and where you are going objectively.

    trust me, the person you are is a great guy, and a true friend.

  5. Phy

    I was going to comment on this but conclude that Horai and Brian have said what I was thinking, so I’ll leave it at that. You’re a great guy and I am honored to consider you my friend (of the sort that *doesn’t* stab knees).

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