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Dad on Vimeo (from Jake And Amir)

Matt — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 09:37:31 +0000

Dad on Vimeo (from JakeAndAmir.com)

Stained Glass

Matt — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:27:11 +0000

prayingwm6.jpg (JPEG Image, 350×604 pixels)

Okay, now it’s getting out of hand with these Catholic priests. Not cool!

The Glass Mousepad

Clearing Your Throat for Attention

Matt — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:19:25 +0000

I gave up on clearing my throat to get the attention of others who are preoccupied. It has lost its effectiveness in these modern times, so as a course of action, I’ve evolved and developed a new method of getting attention.

I now make retching noises. This has a highly effective 100% success rate. No longer do you have to clear your throat multiple times to get the attention you deserve. My retching noise method is guaranteed to work, every single time.

As an added bonus, it will get the attention of multiple people if there are more than one person in the room with you. So if you have something really important to say, my method works wonders. Practice isn’t even necessary, a beginner will also attain a 100% success rate.

I highly recommend you try this method at your next family gathering or company event, and be amazed at how superior it is over the old throat clearing method.

Note: Disregard the look of sheer horror generated by this method, it is a necessary side-effect for achieving your goal — getting attention.

Mahatma Gandhi

Matt — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:05:17 +0000

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

No related posts.

In The Beginning

Matt — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 20:52:22 +0000

Adam: “God, I’m so lonely by myself. There’s nothing to do around here, and I’m tired of playing with the lions and the sheep. What else can I do?”

God: “I have an idea I’ve been working on. I will create a companion for you, called a woman. Although, I have to warn you, she’ll never make sense to you, brainwash you into liking something you don’t, and when she’s mad and says yes, she really means no.”

Adam: “Huh? Wait … wha … wait a second, that doesn’t sound so great. I don’t want a woman like that. What kind of idea is that? I’ll stick with the lion for now.”

God: “Don’t worry, she’ll also think she’s smarter than you, wake you in the middle of the night to see what you’re thinking about, and disagree with every important decision you ever make. She’ll spend hours grooming herself, buy more shoes than she’ll ever wear, and she’ll be much weaker than you. So you can’t take her out on hunts with you or expect her to open a jar’s lid.”

Adam: “Hold on! Hold on! This is really bad, I don’t want this … what is she called? A woman? I don’t want that, it sounds terrible! Come up with a better idea!”

God: “But you haven’t even met her yet. Don’t you want to see her first? I think I did a pretty good job. Here, here she is, what do you think?”

Adam: “No, no, I don’t want to meet … wow, she has big b … okay, I’ll take her!”

Beginning-Life Crisis

Your What Itches?

Matt — Thu, 17 May 2007 06:53:38 +0000

There are many moments in life where people use a default phrase to brush something off, or to feign disinterest. Usually it’s “whatever” or a roll of the eyes and a scoff. Or they’ll say an emotionless “huh.” Not me — no siree, I do it differently, because I find mine is a lot more useful. I’ll say:

“My butt itches.”

Keep in mind that I say this with a look of pure exasperation on my face. What this effectively does is confuse the other person so thoroughly, that it is almost like a magic word forcing their brain to freeze momentarily in time for a few seconds. These precious seconds does a number of things for me. It can a) give me enough time to make a clean escape b) make them quickly change the subject or c) off-handedly announce to them I am totally not interested in whatever they are saying.

However, there has been a couple of instances where my butt really did itch, and when I blurted it out in the presence of others, it has the unfortunate side effect of not only confusing the other person, but me, as well. For what this does is not only unintentionally suggest to the other person that I am obliviously crazy, but it was done needlessly because I could’ve been actually interested in what the other person is saying, or in the case of the lady with the wonderful plunging cleavage, not saying. Oh man … did that suck.

Anyhoo, go ahead, try it someday, you’d be surprised how effective it is. Just be careful of saying it when your butt really does itch.

On May 15th …

Matt — Wed, 02 May 2007 23:08:10 +0000

I’m going to buy gas on May 15th just to teach people who forward emails a lesson. No related posts. No related posts.

Song To Play At Your Funeral

Matt — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 07:37:22 +0000

Someone asked what song I’d like to have playing at my funeral. I thought I was going to sit long and hard, thinking about it. Nope, immediately I knew what I’d like at my funeral. Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It; put it up to eleven. Norman Greenbaum’s Spirit in the Sky is a close second.

Arrested Development Season 1-3 Tributes

Matt — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 03:19:30 +0000

By far the funniest comedy television show I’ve ever seen is Arrested Development. It was cut short after 3 seasons by Fox. Someone put together a tribute to all 3 seasons, showing the funniest scenes in each one. I had bought the DVD of all three seasons and it has given me lots of laugh since. Here are the tributes:

Season 1:

Season 2:

Season 3:

Assumptions from my Writings

Matt — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 15:21:01 +0000

For as long as I can remember, I get emails from people that misinterpret my posts on this site. For example, someone assumed I was a dentist because of the posts I’ve made recently about my oral surgery, and she wanted answers I couldn’t give. Just now I had to delete a comment from someone who gave sensitive business information, believing that I am Dell’s Customer Support because I made a post about my Dell LCD monitor.

Another person thought I worked for AOL because of a post, ironically enough, where I heavily trashed AOL for their craptacular service. My motto is educate, educate, educate. I know not everyone is proficient with computers and the internet, so I’m always polite to these people, trying to be as helpful as I can. I just find it a bit amusing, that’s all.

Now with all that said, I’d like to talk about lesbian psychology …