Clearing Your Throat for Attention

Comedy

I gave up on clearing my throat to get the attention of others who are preoccupied. It has lost its effectiveness in these modern times, so as a course of action, I’ve evolved and developed a new method of getting attention.

I now make retching noises. This has a highly effective 100% success rate. No longer do you have to clear your throat multiple times to get the attention you deserve. My retching noise method is guaranteed to work, every single time.

As an added bonus, it will get the attention of multiple people if there are more than one person in the room with you. So if you have something really important to say, my method works wonders. Practice isn’t even necessary, a beginner will also attain a 100% success rate.

I highly recommend you try this method at your next family gathering or company event, and be amazed at how superior it is over the old throat clearing method.

Note: Disregard the look of sheer horror generated by this method, it is a necessary side-effect for achieving your goal — getting attention.


Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


In The Beginning

Adam: “God, I’m so lonely by myself.  There’s nothing to do around here, and I’m tired of playing with the lions and the sheep.  What else can I do?”

God:  “I have an idea I’ve been working on.  I will create a companion for you, called a woman.  Although, I have to warn you, she’ll never make sense to you, brainwash you into liking something you don’t, and when she’s mad and says yes, she really means no.”

Adam: “Huh?  Wait … wha … wait a second, that doesn’t sound so great.  I don’t want a woman like that.  What kind of idea is that?  I’ll stick with the lion for now.”

God:  “Don’t worry, she’ll also think she’s smarter than you, wake you in the middle of the night to see what you’re thinking about, and disagree with every important decision you ever make.  She’ll spend hours grooming herself, buy more shoes than she’ll ever wear, and she’ll be much weaker than you.  So you can’t take her out on hunts with you or expect her to open a jar’s lid.”

Adam: “Hold on!  Hold on!  This is really bad, I don’t want this … what is she called?  A woman?  I don’t want that, it sounds terrible!  Come up with a better idea!”

God:  “But you haven’t even met her yet.  Don’t you want to see her first?  I think I did a pretty good job.  Here, here she is, what do you think?”

Adam: “No, no, I don’t want to meet … wow, she has big b … okay, I’ll take her!”


Your What Itches?

There are many moments in life where people use a default phrase to brush something off, or to feign disinterest. Usually it’s “whatever” or a roll of the eyes and a scoff. Or they’ll say an emotionless “huh.” Not me — no siree, I do it differently, because I find mine is a lot more useful. I’ll say:

“My butt itches.”

Keep in mind that I say this with a look of pure exasperation on my face. What this effectively does is confuse the other person so thoroughly, that it is almost like a magic word forcing their brain to freeze momentarily in time for a few seconds. These precious seconds does a number of things for me. It can a) give me enough time to make a clean escape b) make them quickly change the subject or c) off-handedly announce to them I am totally not interested in whatever they are saying.

However, there has been a couple of instances where my butt really did itch, and when I blurted it out in the presence of others, it has the unfortunate side effect of not only confusing the other person, but me, as well. For what this does is not only unintentionally suggest to the other person that I am obliviously crazy, but it was done needlessly because I could’ve been actually interested in what the other person is saying, or in the case of the lady with the wonderful plunging cleavage, not saying. Oh man … did that suck.

Anyhoo, go ahead, try it someday, you’d be surprised how effective it is. Just be careful of saying it when your butt really does itch.